In Need

I need an adventure. Disparately..........


Also I want to use this blog more.

Paintings for Rosa Verduzco Fuentes

A couple years ago I finished my first painting for Ernesto's mom, Rosa. It was a rendition of The Apparition by Alejandro Rangel (something) .  It was my first successful oil painting and it was A LOT of work.

Anyway, since then Rosa has commissioned a family portrait painting (which I am currently working on) and a few weeks ago she requested my help on another painting. This time acrylic.

The Priest at Rosa's church asked her to do a painting for the church of the Virgin Mary as she is represented in what is referred to as "The Apparition". Which is the typical pose you see of The Virgin, standing, hands poised in prayer position with shining halo-y light around her figure. Did I mention this painting is close to 20 feet long and at least 8 feet wide?

Angel Guy

step 1

 

step 2

step 3

step 4 (fixed the chin)

So it turned out pretty well although not perfect by any means, but perfect takes time, of which I didn't have a lot.

Here is a link for more info about The Apparition. http://www.maryourmother.net/Guadalupe.html

I don't consider myself a painter by any means but I sure have learned a lot about painting by doing these for Rosa. So thank you Rosa for the opportunity to learn and develop my skills. :)

Random "Badass" Adventure: Starring Nic Weldon!!

Today at the end of my stressful shift at work I was surprised by my long lost friend, Nic! After work him and went over to Badass Coffee in Sugar House and ordered some yummy-ish blended drinks. I say yummy-ish cuz they were so sweet that after a few sips it was hard to drink anymore. We hung out at Badass for a while, cuz that's where I take all of my most favorite people and then we headed back to Michaels to drop me off. Nic had mentioned he was looking for a job and it just so happens that Michaels is hiring framers. So I gave him a shoe in by introducing him to the store manager. I'm confident he will get the position. So yeah that's that. Yay for random friend appearances. :D

Random Adventure: Solo Style

Lately I've been feeling like my whole life is one insane juggling act just moments away from toppling down on me. BUT! today I was able to escape all of that (if only for an hour) and it was marvelous. Holly told me about a place called Bridal Veil Falls that is just barely up the Provo canyon.




I pulled into Nun's Park ( i think it was something like that) and walked along the path there until I found a nice place right next the the water to sit. It was a nice big slanted rock that was butted up against an old log which made for a fairly comfortable recliner. I laid back there for a while and thought about things and wrote a little and took a short cat nap. 

After that I walked up the path to the falls and took in it's beauty. This is where I found my lovely friend Hugo. This is him climbing up my arm and here he is on my shoulder. We had a good chat about things and then I let him get back to his business. Unfortunately I couldn't talk him into coming home w/ me. So we said our good-byes.

I spent a few minutes more at the falls but then got creeped out by a guy that was there so I left.






I was nice to get lost in the sound of the river water rushing by and to breathe in some fresh air. I also really enjoyed being reminded of the tickle of little caterpillar feet. Thank you, Hugo for making it a good time even better. :)

Weekend in Cedar

So this past weekend I did a spontaneous trip to Cedar since I had 3 days off in a row. It was a whirl wind of complete and awesome randomness. First of all I got to see my sister new place. That's right my sister has her own place where she and her BF pay rent and everything. I'm jealous, but super happy for them. It's a cute little studio w/ 0 counter space but newly remodeled so everything was new and clean.

Since I had some extra money I bought them some mixing bowls and measuring cups and then we used them to make yummy healthy muffins!

All you need is one box of Devil's Food cake and a can of pumpkin. Don't add the eggs or anything, just those two ingredients is all you need. Mix well but it doesn't have to be smooth. Then put in papered or greased muffin tins and back @ 400 degrees for 25-30 minutes. Yummmmy! (sorry I forgot to get a pic of them)

Then to go along with our cooking theme we bought apron kits that said they had everything you needed, just cut out the pieces and sew together. Well we got them home and discovered that the kit didn't include any backing fabric. So our quick aprons ended up taking all weekend w/ running to the store several times for backing fabric, seam ripper, etc. BUT we got them done! and they look lovely.

THEN! we heard there was going to be a crash up derby in Parawon and only $6 to get in. In Cedar there's not really a lot to do so we figured why not. We didn't think to come early and we should have known so we ended up sitting in the dirt in front of the bleachers. Couldn't see a whole lot from there but we could see enough. The derby part ended up being a dud but the mini races were exciting so we didn't feel to bad about the money we spent. So yeah that's that. Yay for Kim having her own place!

A lot about nothing

I don't seem to have a lot to blog about lately. It's been a month since radiation graduation so I figured it was about time for another post.

I've been feeling great the past couple of days which is awesome. I think it's because I feel like I'm getting things back on track. I'm caught up on my bills and now have a steady income. I have plans to move in with a couple of great friends soon and I hope to be attending U of U by the spring. There's something I need to get going on, the application for U of U. I'm feeling a lot less stressed and it feels amazing. I did not plan for things to go this way but now that they are I can't complain. It could be a hell of a lot worse. I think that's what always keeps me going, things are never as bad as they could be. Yes, I'm Utah but at least I'm not in Cedar. Portland isn't going anywhere and I made a promise to myself to get back, so I know I will.

I've been walking everyday this past week and I think that is another thing that is adding to the good mood. I forget how good it feels to get moving and a little sweaty. Soon I'm going to be purchasing a pair of skates so as to get closer to realizing my dream of becoming a derby girl. Lol I laugh cuz I really don't think I'm tough enough and I'll probably bawl cuz those girls are mean! at least they were in the movie Whip it. Lol. But I figure why not give it a shot and while I'm learning to skate I will be exercising and that's what it's mostly about.

I've also been working a lot. :) I've been getting close to 30 hours a week and I think I might end up work 10 days straight with this next week. It's not too bad tho I usually just go for 4 or 5 hours and I've made a couple of work friends so that always makes it better.

Anyway hopefully the good mood continues.

Radiation Graduation: finally something to blog about!

 The past 6 + weeks I've been driving from Sandy to the U every morning to get my brain radiated (i don't think radiated is a word). It hasn't been so bad, though I have been worried about the wear and tear on my car and the gas I was having to buy was ridiculous! But it was nice getting there and being greeted by everyone and sitting in the waiting room watching The Price is Right with the other ladies. Also getting the chance to relate some of my recent experiences with hospitals and such to people who knew what it was like was nice.

Most of the ladies there were receiving radiation for breast cancer. I do not envy them. The side effects of radiation are much worse than anything I had to go through. For one they are dosing a larger area and that creates a larger area of skin irritation and I could tell that the fatigue factor was really effecting them. Many of the women were surprised that I was there for treatment since I didn't have to dress down. They also figured me to be no more than 17 years old, but I'm quite used to that by now.


 

Another positive aspect of treatment was the very attractive Dr. Troy who took care of me nearly everyday. He is soft spoken, not too tall with graying hair and had a seemingly genuine interest in my life and well-being through treatment. He would ask me how I was feeling, he was excited to hear I got a job and sad to hear that I had to give up my dreams of Portland. Obviously fueling my silly school girl crush for him. I do have to admit that waking up in the morning to hear his voice was quite, quite nice.

So anyway, on to the actual story here, yesterday was my final day of radiation! WooHoo! Waiting in the waiting room was normal, no one was there so I switched the TV to Price is Right and waited (duh). I was sad when the annoying lady -- I think her name is Melissa, she talked in an extremely high pitched voice and would always touch my leg or shoulder as way of comforting me while I was in the mask. It wasn't comforting... -- anyway the annoying lady called me back and started telling me that Dr "Dreamy" Troy was up stairs at a Doctor's appointment of his own and probably wasn't going to make it back down to say goodbye. She said he felt bad and was going to try hard to hurry through it but she didn't think it would happen. This was quite the bad news.

So I got set up on the table and they did their thing but the whole time I was thinking "Hurry Dr. Troy, make it down here" To my great relief, my mind bullets worked and who's voice did I hear when treatment was done? Dr. Troy's. He said "Ok, Gina lets get you outta here." I was so happy I was smiling under my mask, which is hard to do. As soon as he took the mask off I said " I though I wasn't going see you today, I was going to be sad!" Apparently he told the doctors up there that he had a patient he needed to see and that they needed to hurry. The whole scenario was kind of romantic (and it's not just me that thinks so). Anyway one of the last things he said to me was that he hoped I could get back to Portland someday. That meant a lot.

Melissa interrupted the moment with a surprise blanket for my endurance through all the treatments, and they offered me my mask as a souvenir to which I gladly accepted. I got a hug from her and a hug from Christie one of the other doctors that helped with my treatments. Dr. Troy walked me out, wished me luck and yes, also gave me a hug. What a wonderful day.

 When Baylee got home she was highly interested in the mask of course so we took a few pics w/ her in it.

I will miss you Dr. Troy. And thanks to the rest of the team for making my experience much better than I had anticipated. <3

Backtracking: Part one

Disclaimer: These next few posts are basically for my own records. A friend convinced me that I need to journal my experience (brain tumor) of these past 7 months --something I've been avoiding. I was going to do it in my dairy but I'm running short on pages. Anyway feel free to read but it will probably be mostly boring. Thanks!

While I was in Portland I noticed the headaches I'd been having were getting worse and not letting up. I had started paying close attention to my symptoms: 2 types of headaches daily, one a blinding, stabbing pain above my right eye and the other a dull ache that lasted the majority of the day and would intensify whenever I bent down or moved too quickly. This headache was also accompanied by a few seconds of dark spotty vision and muffled hearing.  I had been experiencing these symptoms for at least a year by this time and I just thought it was going to be a part of my everyday existence. I tried not to let them slow me down but it was hard. I noticed my ability to focus and concentrate was deteriorating and it was really starting to worry me.  It wasn't until I moved to Portland that I was really able to go see a doctor. Oregon requires its students to purchase student health care I recently became insured. For that reason I figured I should probably go to the doctor.

The appointment was set for a little less than a week before thanksgiving last year.

Book List

Book are my favorite form of escapism!

Here are some of my favorites

Interview with the Vampire- The original vampire series and less girly than Twilight but very enjoyable.

Water for Elephants- Just recently finished this one. Good book, especially if you are interested in the old circus times.

Youth in Revolt- I have seen the movie yet. I read the book in High school before a movie was even thought about. I love it. This book will make  you pee your pants from laughter starting with the first page. READ IT!!!

Witch of Blackbird Pond- I read this in middle school so it's meant for a younger audience but I'd like to read it again sometime.

Running with the Demon by Terry Brooks- I don't really know about Brooks' other books but this short series got me through a lot of tough times.  Definitely recommend it if  you are into a little fantasy. But don't worry it's not over the top

A clockwork orange- Gritty and violent and an awesome slang that I would like to incorporate into my vocabulary more often

The Secret- yes it's pretty cheesy but it help me change my thinking habits for the better, so that's good right?

The Hannibal Series- starting with The Red Dragon. Very entertaining. like watching a cop show.

I am currently reading Slaughter House Five which at first I didn't really like but I figured out if you stop trying to figure out what's going on it will save you a lot of brain power and energy. Only 2 more chapters left!

On my list to read are:

The Windup Bird Chronicles
The Beauty Myth
Stranger in a Strange Land
Golden Compass (this one was highly recommended to me by a sound source)

Well the end for now I guess.

Banana Bread Recipe

This is me and my sister's very favorite recipe and it's guilt free as well! Cuz it's Low-fat without skipping on the flavor.

You will need:
2/3 cup white sugar
1/4 cup applesauce
2 eggs
1 1/2 cup mashed bananas (the more over-ripe the better)
1/4 cup milk
1 2/3 cup all purpose flour or 1 cup white flour and 2/3 cup wheat flour (adding wheat gives it better texture)
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 teaspoon cinnamon (a little more than that never hurt anyone)

Directions:
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Spray one 8"x4" loaf pan with non stick cooking spray.
2. In a medium bowl, beat the white sugar, vanilla, applesauce until smooth. Beat in eggs, milk and bananas with sugar mixture until well blended.
3. Mix in flour, baking soda, salt, baking powder, and cinnamon just until the mixture is moistened. Be sure to scrape the sides of bowl to blend all ingredients.
4. Bake @ 350 degrees F for about 60 minutes. Bread is done when the top is firm to the touch and a golden brown color. Time will vary according to loaf size and oven type. When bread is removed from oven, allow to cool on side for 10 minutes then remove from pan and let cool on rack.

Also some optional ingredients are mini chocolate chips, almonds (or any kind of nut), small fruit pieces such as raisins. Mix these in just before baking.


Yummy!!!! Now go make it!

top 10 songs of my life

Unfortunately I grew up during the big boy band phase. Although a lot of those type of songs meant a lot to me then I chose not to include them as they mean nothing to me now. I was big into NSYNC and I wasn't exclusive I also enjoyed 98 degrees and Backstreet Boys until someone (thankfully) told me it was uncool to like boy bands.

It surprised me how difficult choosing only 10 songs would be. There are so many good ones that still mean so much to me. Anyway here they are :) 

1. Whose Bed Have Your Boots Been Under- Shania Twain
I was a huge Shania Twain fan from the ages of 6 to 12. I wanted to be her! Also her music epitomize life in Elko, Nevada. All I knew was country.

2. The Joker- Steve Miller Band
This song reminds me of my dad and listening to music in the front room with him when we lived in Nevada

3. I Want to Ride My Bycle- Queen
I was around 8 when I first heard this song and I really liked riding my bike. The end. 

4. You Oughta Know - Alanis Morrisette
This song and Alanis Morrisette's Album Jagged Little Pill is so ingrained in my life there is no way I could live without it. Listening to it blaring in my mom's truck on the way to clean houses to dancing to it with my sister when we were home alone (it says the F-word so we had to wait til dad went to work) to playing it when I'm angry. 

5. Barbie Girl- Aqua
Yess! My sister, cousin Kassy and cousin Joe acting out the lyrics and performing it for our parents. Hours and hours of play with this song and the Aquarium Album :)

6. Wonderful- Everclear
The first song I really related to. 6th grade after my parents divorce and my mother's remarriage. I just wanted everything to wonderful again. 

7. Family Portrait- P!nk
Also relates to divorce. still gives me chills

8. Walk Away- Christina Aguilera
How I felt about the relationship with my stepfather. I don't listen to this song anymore.

9. Crawling- Linkin Park
Also don't listen to this song. it's just too much. 

10. Hello- Evanescence
The first song I learned to sign. Also the way I was feeling after the very first D-day.

So the last few are kinda depressing. But I'm glad I had those songs to help me get through that time in my life. :)

Escape to Festival of Colors!!!

I decided that any trip outside of southern Utah deserve the title Escape to ... cuz anytime spent outside of Cedar is a good time :) Anyway

This weekend was the most enjoyable spontaneous trip I've had in a while. On Wednesday I learned that the Holi Krishna Festival of Colors celebration was happening again and I was damned if I was going to miss it this year. So I kidnapped my sister and we got in touch with our cousin who wanted to go and we left on Saturday morning. The event was to start at 12 so we left at an early (for me) 8 o'clock.

This is the view as we came to the temple. All those pink dots are people!

I don't know much about this holiday, just that it is an Indian and that's it really. They play awesome chanting music and shoot colored powder on the crowd and you are really really close to people but it's not weird. The crowd is full of energy and there is a great vibe that makes you forget all the hellish traffic you just drove through to get here. So the powder is "edible grade" cornstarch and flour. But I don't know how they dye it. Anyway here are some pictures.

 Also this weekend my dad took Kim and I on a tour of the place he works which happens to be a hot rod shop. We got to see a lot of pretty sweet cars and we sat in a Hummer Limousine!

The shop

Thunderbird 

Hummerzine!!!

Kim and the interior. 

So basically, it's nice my dad has a job he really enjoys and it's nice he let us sit in one of the cars they work on. :D I had a great weekend full of family and fun and cool cars. The end :)

Hmmmmmm.............................

I think I am developing a crush on somebody. The good thing is, I think he might like me back. This could be interesting and I don't even know how it would work. That's all there is to say about that.

Art blog separate from life blog!

so this blog you are at currently will continue to exist purely as a bitch blog, meaning posts about life, good and bad. My new blog will be my art blog/ sketch blog.

www.subliminalvisionary.blogspot.com send me your e-mails so I can invite you!

Blogger Viral Survey

Just do it!


4 Shows I Like To Watch
1. Big Bang Theory
2. Good Eats
3. That 70's show
4. Scrubs

4 Things I Am Passionate About
1. Art
2. learning new things/ learning from the people around me
3. Getting what I want from Life
4. Being a caring friend/ sister/ daughter etc

4 Phrases I Say Often
1. No Worries
2. I have to go potty
3. In your FACE!!!!!!
4. fuck

4 Things I've Learned or I Am Learning
1. Living in the present is the only way to be happy
2. surrounding myself in my fav color makes me happier
3. go after whatever feeds my soul
4. Don't let anyone or anything hold me back./ don't hold myself back

4 Places I Would Like To Go
1. Portland (duh)
2. Ireland
3. Mexico
4. England

4 Things I Did Yesterday
1. stayed up all night
2. Cleaned my room! kinda
3. did a prepared ground
4. Made banana bread

4 Things I Am Looking Forward To
1. Mowhawk!!!!
2. getting back to Portland
3. living in Murray
4. teaching myself how to play guitar

4 Things On My Wish List
1. earn some money
2. my dad to be back on his feet
3. a Nikon Camera
4. to go on a therapeutic retreat w/ my closest friends

4 People I Tag
1. Hannah
2. Delaney
3. Hannah
4. and Delaney lol

Computer Casualty

So this is it! this is what came of the environment prompt and what evolved from that silly sketch that I posted last sunday. I'm pretty happy with it. I find whenever I start a project I always want to make it super personal and tell all my secrets however, I do believe that less is more and so this is what usually happens which is a good thing, I think. Now for a statement...


something about addictivities and computer casualties.... the end.

Art Duel!

So a week ago a friend of mine challenged me to an Art Duel. The deal is to have an assignment due every 2 weeks w/ mock-ups due each week for critique and further thought. I'm really happy to have a friend to encourage and who encourages me. I'm sure we'll be coming up with some really great stuff. Anyway this is what i'm working on. let me know what you think :)

Well here is my concept and a half-assed mock-up of what I am prepared to execute. The theme was environment. I interpreted that as my current surrounding and how I feel about it. Lately I've noticed that good ol' facebook has become the primary environment that I exist in. This was hard for me cuz I never what to admit that I spend an abnormal amount of time on this stupid site to myself let alone anyone else. (As if it isn't obvious to fellow facebookers lol)

Anyway my plan is to keep the facebook format in my piece so that it is obviously recognizable to the viewer but instead of inserting what facebook wants I'm going to put in the things I'm feeling. This could range any where from how I feel about spending so much time on facebook to what's going on in my real tangible life. It might get a little hairy but as you know I'm not afraid of going there. My only dilemma is what medium I want to work with and which will best represent the concept and piece. My natural instinct is to use Indesign/ photoshop and make a poster. It just makes sense and I could really get the layout close. However I haven't used paint in a while and it might be interesting to interpret facebook into a painting. but keep it recognizable. Is it important to have the layout down perfectly? or would it be more interesting as an analog type piece? I don't know! that's a problem I think...

Who knows what...

I post too long of blogs.

I don't know how I feel exactly. I know I'm completely satisfied and I enjoy the control that I now have. Today has been weird. I just don't give a fuck about it anymore. It's a good feeling. Time to start doing things for me because I want. I do what I want. The End.

song that inspired it all: Glory Box by Portishead

Snow College... not the warmest but possibly THE best.

Ok so I can't hold it in any longer. The most extreme fun I've had in a long time occured this weekend and I am still recovering. I knew it was going to be the best thing in the world to spend a few days in E- Town at my favorite college ever. And to think I only was able to a see a few people but that's all I needed. I was able to see the most important people to me and that all I needed. So quick run down of the events.

My sister and her BF Krys took me half way as I am still on the Loratab and don't trust myself to drive and my bestie Julia met us the to take me the rest of the way. I also stayed at her place for the 2 nights I was there. So as Julia and I were driving back to E-town we were non-stop talking and missed our exit which normally would be no problem but this exit is the only exit to get going the right way and if you miss it you are on a one way freeway for the next 110 miles to Denver and we didn't know when the next ranch exit (if any) would be so we had to do the most illegal/dangerous thing ever cuz we only had a quarter tank of gas. So you've probably guessed it. We turned around on one of the median thingies but not only that. As we were driving and looking for one of them we passed one a litte so Julia screeched to a stop and backed up and turned on the median (this kind of manuever is only possible on I 70) we looked both ways and of course there was no one so she slammed the petal to the metal and got going back the right way. It was the most dangerous and exciting thing to happen in my life and it's always fun to share it with a friend.

Once we made it there we hung out with our good friend Nic and then Julia and I spent the rest of the morning ( until 5) whipping me into shape about a specific relationship I've already posted about and it was good to hear her harsh words cuz she was right everytime. And I bawled my eyes out the whole time but I know what needs to happen. (more on all the realizations in a later blog).

After that night I still woke up at 9:30 am and couldn't stand to be in Ephraim another minute with out seeing more of the people I love so I jumped on Julia and woke her up after only 5 hours of sleep. I knew it was a dangerous move but I also know how much she loves me. I was able to meet up with another of my best friends over pizza and had more great conversation surrounded by happily oblivious church goin' people in their sunday best even tho it was Saturday... which tends to happen in small town Utah. 3 hours we spent in the pizza place and we could have easily spent more. I learn so much from this girl and I absolutely love her company. You know who you are!

So the rest of the day was spent seeing a few other people and then spending lots of time at subway waiting for it to die down cuz a friend was hooking us up with a free sandwich. Best tasting subway sandwich ever. And then! the best part. 4 of us 3 girls and one awesome guy crowded into a tiny room and got our crochet on, all hyped up on coffee and cookies and good feelings. It was amazing cuz we again stayed up 'til 5 am having hour long giggle fits for no reason known to us. There was a problem however, I was only one with loratab coursing through my veins along with 3 cups of various caffine-ness and lots of sugar from snicker doodles and soda I had earlier. I was seriously laughing for so long and so hard with only small breaks between fits. I really thought I was going to die laughing that night. And what better way to go?

At one point I was kneeling on the mattress we had the floor and I lost my balance (don't forget I just had brain surgery about 3 weeks ago) and hit my head on my friends shin and stayed there for a minute laughing until I lost my balance again and hit my head on a make up box and rolled the rest of the way down to the floor on top of uncomfortable books and some semi-comfortable clothes. Mind you I was laughing this whole time and I stayed there for a long time laughing and then calming down and then laughing again. It wasn't good for my head but at least I was kneeling and not standing, right? No harm done however. All is well and I'm glad to have experience the longest giggle fit so far in my young life.

Sunday was my last day, I woke up feeling the most hung over I've ever felt, the consequence of a night enjoyed, I knew had to make sure to visit my best mentor, teacher and friend before I left. So waking up with only 5 hours of sleep again was in order. Once at my favorite mentor's house we went up to her office (used a flight of stairs for the first time since the surgery, not easy yet) and lost track of time discussing the past semester in Portland and all the things I learned it was a great conversation and she was more than willing to listen, it could have gone on longer but I was already 45 minutes late leaving to meet my sister again.  So goodbyes for now were said about four times. And home again it was for me.

What an amazing weekend and much needed break from all the heavy stuff I've been dealing with. Sorry no pics I don't know what I was thinking. Also update on my the cancer my cousin is facing: not as bad as the first idiot doctor claimed. She'll still need chemo but it's not terminal and she will be completely fine and be yet another amazingly strong cancer survivor. So all good news this time. I hope you guys enjoy it. I sure did.

Much love to all!

Lately

So I changed my blog URL and title and all that again and for now I think this is a keeper. I figured I should probably change it as I am no longer in Portland and just feel lost when it comes to life in general. Some day I hope to feel more adult and capable and in control but I don't know if that ever really happens for anyone. I changed the URL to Oldfashionedlullaby and the title is Soothes like an Old-Fashioned Lullaby and then the description is the definition of Soothes. There is a pic of tea bags behind the title and such and that relates to the title only. People who have read this blog will know that my blog doesn't really sooth at all at the moment. Well I guess it does for me, just to get this stuff off my shoulders and have a couple of my close friends be able to comment and provide support (which I truly appreciate). So yeah the only thing keeping my sanity right now is copious amounts of Chai Green Tea and plain Chai Tea (thank you Hannah, I love it).

So News on the tumor thing and everything my family is going through right now:

Thankfully my incision is healing extremely well and I'm feeling better physically as the days go by. However currently there has been quite a few assaults on my emotional and mental stability. About a week after surgery my surgeon called and said that we need to consider radiation therapy to prevent  another tumor from growing back. Apparently the tumor I had is a little more persistent than the regular benign tumor. My doc said he'd support any decision we made as the radiation is not required because it will be used as just a preventative measure, basically they have no way of knowing if a tumor will grow back for sure they just want to cover their asses and give me brain damage in the mean time. We were supposed to go up to SLC (whish is a 400 + mile drive for us) and talk to a specialist about the pathology of my tumor and decide if we should just wait and see if one grows back or jump straight into RT (Radiation Therapy). Well a few days before we were supposed to go my mom's car broke down... permanetly and since we had done some research online about RT after complete removal of a Meningioma we had already decided that we weren't going to do the RT. So we canceled. And I though that would be the end of that but yesterday the people from UofU hospital called and had me set up a routine follow up appointment but she also mentioned that the Dr was going to want to talk to me about radiation therapy again... so much for supporting our decision. So that's pretty nerve racking. Several of the websites I visited said that RT after complete removal of a Meningioma is still very controversial. Some of the side effects of radiation are permanent hair loss at the location of the radiation (not so bad), Loss of speech skills (uh no thank you), Loss of organizational skills, memory loss (these I already have a hard time with! why would I make it worse?) Needless to say the cons out way the pros. I would rather have something in my head that they are aiming at and know for sure that I need it than have these people aiming at nothing and destroying the only brain I have for the rest of my life. Honestly I feel insulted but I guess I don't truely know about my own personal case, it might not be as bad and so we will be having a conversation with my surgeon about all of this. Still I am adamant about not doing it. I already have the card of a local homeopathic doctor who says I do not need RT. So fuck you radiology doctor people!


So while that's been going on, I found out a few days ago that that my cousin who I am fairly close to and is only 18 was diagnosed with stage 4 Melanoma. Fuck, I thought brain surgery was scary. I am worried for her but am persistent about staying positive about the whole thing. She is young and lots of people have survived this before. I refuse to look up what stage 4 means cuz it will probably not help this positive mentality. So don't tell me anything negative, we've all got to stay positive.

Ready for a little bit of good news? I know I am.

My dad got a job about a month ago and even tho its extremely labor intensive and tough on his body he is sticking with it. It pays really well and I am proud of him for sticking it out. Also he's all moved out of Nephi now which is an extremely good thing. Nephi is a creepy little town w/ a lot of creepy, racist, ignorant, intolerant people.

Anyway I am holding up ok. So no worries. This weekend I hope to go up to Snow College and visit all my friends still there and that should raise my spirits tremendously. Also if you made it all the way through this post then I thank you very much. Only a true friend would put up with that much text.