Saying No... Easier Said Then Done

I've never really considered myself one who is bad at saying no but tonight I learned that I especially have a hard time saying no to one specific person... who shall remain mostly nameless.... (his first name starts with an E). I don't know what I'm doing. It's 4 in the AM and I'm up typing a blog about how my ex-boyfriend (should be ex- best friend by now but isn't) is sleeping on my couch. WHAT THE FUCK?!

"Do you mind if I sleep on your couch cuz the weather is bad and I'm pretty tired and not feeling well. (even tho we both know I only have a mile at most to drive)?"

Me: "Sure! Do you like fluffy pillows or flat?"

I'm not even kidding... that's exactly how it went. The question here is WHY AM I SO PATHETIC?

No is a very small word, only 2 tiny letters... but it holds so much power. If I start saying no now what might I say no to next? It's a scary thought, I might turn down a movie with him, next spending time, and then saying No to the whole relationship altogether could be the end result and that still scares me to death...

I hate that of all the shit I've been through in my life, ending this relationship is the hardest and still has yet to be done. And he's not going to do it. He's not capable of fully cutting the cord. No, he'd rather leave that little thread attached and watch me squirm, fight and bleed all over him. Dramatic much? Well after five years of being inseparable someone decided to find a new girlfriend a month before someone else took that big step to Portland. Could this new girl have waited a few more weeks. Some might say "yes of course, five years is a long time and therefore deserves a longer adjustment period." But if you ask him " we haven't technically been together for 3 of those 5 years even tho we continued to fuck the same."

I mean, what does he think this is? I think I have a right to be angry. It IS conceivable that someone who has loved someone else since the day she met them would be upset at getting pushed to the side the second a change is happening and there is another girl interesting enough to waste time with. But it's easier (not really) to just go with the flow and leech every minute with him possible because someone still loves this asshole.

I could go on about this forever..... five years worth, at least. In the mean time, the fact is, I'm sitting here with a 10 inch gash a crossed my head crying about him.

So much for saying No.

Brain Surgery = New Hair Cut!

So alot has happened since the last time I posted. 2 weeks ago I went to the doc to get help with my anxiety and told him about the headaches I've been having for over a year. So he sent me to an eye doc to have my eyes dilated to see if my optical nerve was swollen. It was. At that time they thought it might be Pseudotumor Cerebri causing the swelling which means retention of spinal fluid. They thought that maybe it was collecting around my optical nerves and that was what was causing the headaches and spotty vision. So... they ordered an MRI. MRI's aren't bad, I was nervous at first but they make you really comfortable by putting a towel over your eyes and blanket on you and let you listen to music on head phones. It was loud and a little hard to hold still for so long but I just imagined myself as a figure drawing model and it worked out ok. Plus I got to listen to the Beatles and that always makes everything ok.

I had the MRI on a Saturday and then the following Monday my Doc, Robert Dexter called and wanted to go over the results of the MRI with me. I show up to the appointment and he sits me down and proceeds to tell me that I have a brain tumor. I asked him if he was kidding... he wasn't. I cried. He moved closer to me and gave me a tissue and explained where it was and that is was huge (4.5 cm 'bout the size of a golf ball). He had already set me up for an appointment with the Neurosurgen and he said that I may have to have surgery within the next few days. He called my mom and explained what was going on and then I talked to her for a while and she made plans to fly up the next day to be with me in case they did need to operate. I was pretty freaked out. I was ok with having Pseudotumor Cerebri cuz all they would have had to do was give me a spinal tap to drain the fluids and I just kept thinking that at least it wasn't anything to do with my head. :p

So my mom got to spend a couple of days in Portland with me and it was a lot of fun. We went to the neurosurgeon appointment and he estimated that I've had the tumor for at least 5 years. It was no emergency and yes I could go back to Utah for the surgery. We got to see the MRI and it was weird to think that, that was my head we were looking at and that there was a foreign mass squishing my brain. It is all still very surreal.

So for now I am just planning how to have my hair after the surgery...

I like the last one the best but my hair will have to grow out a little bit before it will look like that. It will probably be most like the second pic at first but longer in the mowhawk part. I figure, hey why not. Good excuse to be edgy, right?

Sometimes I feel like I'm break down and cry... Living on my own.

I have mixed feelings about today. I don't really know how to go about discussing it. Maybe I just shouldn't. I discovered a Queen song that sums up the way I feel about my life at this time. Hence the title.

BLAH!!!!!!!!!........... 


tHE eND

FUCK

I just don't want to fucking do anything.................   I need to e-mail some of my teachers and tell them that I am dealing with a lot of anxiety and that they should try not to fail me cuz I will do my best to catch up. But I just don't want to. I feel like shit. Like I should be able to handle this. I'm not a fucking baby but I feel like I'm acting like one. If I don't get my grades up then I will not be able to get finacial aid next semester. This would not be a good thing cuz then I would need to get a second job and a place to live. And all this roommate fighting is getting obnoxious. I just feel mostly alone. I know Hannah cares about me and I know all my friends care about me but I don't want to burden them w/ my problems cuz I know they have their own. And they are taking care of themselves just fine so I should be able to, also. I could go to student services but they have already made their opinions about me and have already decided what my problem is. That's what it feels like anyway. I really just feel stupid for not being about to handle things  on my own. I'm fucking 21! why can't I just fucking grow up a little and be stable? Like Clara. she has a job and she can afford 350 dollar rent. Why can't I do the same? I need to just learn to live, I think. Maybe time off school would be a good thing. God, I'm so stressed. :P

This just depresses me.....

http://current.com/1kov24c

This article basically says that going to grad school is a waste of time and money in this day and age. It says that most people who are 20 right now will change their career at least 4 times and so to invest thousands on the first one just to change it later isn't smart. I agree... but it just sucks. I wish there was just a sure fire way to get to where I want to be. One road w/ no forks. No decisions. Just keep going. Just stay on the path. Blahhhhhh....

60 Second Art. 1

No Shave November and other goals...

First of all, this month has been declared "No Shave November" month for the guys. This is where the guys don't shave their beards (or anywhere else for that matter) for the whole month. You can imagine by the end of it I will be seeing a lot of woolly, hairy men walking around town. Having themed months is pretty cool but what's even cooler is when the girls get in on the action too. Someone on facebook declared it a no shave month for women too and you can bet I'm in on the action. So far my armpit hairs are about a cm long, which isn't extreme but we are only a third of the way through the month. I'm excited to see how hairy my body can become. Personally, I already know that I prefer to be trimmed and tidy but this will be a fun experiment. Who knows maybe I will finally truly embrace the feminist woman inside me. But probably not.

 In other news, I was able to talk to Amy, one of my most favorite teachers. She and I email every now and then and it's great to have a former teacher who is still invested in me and interested in seeing my succeed. I told her in an e-mail that I was not settling into PNCA very well and that I was really interested in OCAC, and alot of the other struggles I was going through. So she called me and helped me talk it through and gave me a few really good suggestions on how to keep my art making practices up w/ no money and the anxiety I've been feeling.

So I'm going to start a series of 60 second art pieces. This is something I can do everyday and have it done quickly and build up a lot of little experiments that can hopefully someday inspire more substantial works of art. And if not, so be it, I'll still be creating an awesome little collection of awesome little arts. Keeping it quick and easy will make it easier for me to get it done as well. Amy also gave me some more advice that I think I tend to forget.

Remember the positive things in each day.
Know that if nothing else things will work themselves out
When anxious pull out the sketchbook, not facebook.
And to keep in touch.

Thanks so much for your love and support, Amy. It means the world to me.