Saying No... Easier Said Then Done

I've never really considered myself one who is bad at saying no but tonight I learned that I especially have a hard time saying no to one specific person... who shall remain mostly nameless.... (his first name starts with an E). I don't know what I'm doing. It's 4 in the AM and I'm up typing a blog about how my ex-boyfriend (should be ex- best friend by now but isn't) is sleeping on my couch. WHAT THE FUCK?!

"Do you mind if I sleep on your couch cuz the weather is bad and I'm pretty tired and not feeling well. (even tho we both know I only have a mile at most to drive)?"

Me: "Sure! Do you like fluffy pillows or flat?"

I'm not even kidding... that's exactly how it went. The question here is WHY AM I SO PATHETIC?

No is a very small word, only 2 tiny letters... but it holds so much power. If I start saying no now what might I say no to next? It's a scary thought, I might turn down a movie with him, next spending time, and then saying No to the whole relationship altogether could be the end result and that still scares me to death...

I hate that of all the shit I've been through in my life, ending this relationship is the hardest and still has yet to be done. And he's not going to do it. He's not capable of fully cutting the cord. No, he'd rather leave that little thread attached and watch me squirm, fight and bleed all over him. Dramatic much? Well after five years of being inseparable someone decided to find a new girlfriend a month before someone else took that big step to Portland. Could this new girl have waited a few more weeks. Some might say "yes of course, five years is a long time and therefore deserves a longer adjustment period." But if you ask him " we haven't technically been together for 3 of those 5 years even tho we continued to fuck the same."

I mean, what does he think this is? I think I have a right to be angry. It IS conceivable that someone who has loved someone else since the day she met them would be upset at getting pushed to the side the second a change is happening and there is another girl interesting enough to waste time with. But it's easier (not really) to just go with the flow and leech every minute with him possible because someone still loves this asshole.

I could go on about this forever..... five years worth, at least. In the mean time, the fact is, I'm sitting here with a 10 inch gash a crossed my head crying about him.

So much for saying No.