Sometimes I feel like I'm break down and cry... Living on my own.

I have mixed feelings about today. I don't really know how to go about discussing it. Maybe I just shouldn't. I discovered a Queen song that sums up the way I feel about my life at this time. Hence the title.

BLAH!!!!!!!!!........... 


tHE eND

FUCK

I just don't want to fucking do anything.................   I need to e-mail some of my teachers and tell them that I am dealing with a lot of anxiety and that they should try not to fail me cuz I will do my best to catch up. But I just don't want to. I feel like shit. Like I should be able to handle this. I'm not a fucking baby but I feel like I'm acting like one. If I don't get my grades up then I will not be able to get finacial aid next semester. This would not be a good thing cuz then I would need to get a second job and a place to live. And all this roommate fighting is getting obnoxious. I just feel mostly alone. I know Hannah cares about me and I know all my friends care about me but I don't want to burden them w/ my problems cuz I know they have their own. And they are taking care of themselves just fine so I should be able to, also. I could go to student services but they have already made their opinions about me and have already decided what my problem is. That's what it feels like anyway. I really just feel stupid for not being about to handle things  on my own. I'm fucking 21! why can't I just fucking grow up a little and be stable? Like Clara. she has a job and she can afford 350 dollar rent. Why can't I do the same? I need to just learn to live, I think. Maybe time off school would be a good thing. God, I'm so stressed. :P

This just depresses me.....

http://current.com/1kov24c

This article basically says that going to grad school is a waste of time and money in this day and age. It says that most people who are 20 right now will change their career at least 4 times and so to invest thousands on the first one just to change it later isn't smart. I agree... but it just sucks. I wish there was just a sure fire way to get to where I want to be. One road w/ no forks. No decisions. Just keep going. Just stay on the path. Blahhhhhh....

60 Second Art. 1

No Shave November and other goals...

First of all, this month has been declared "No Shave November" month for the guys. This is where the guys don't shave their beards (or anywhere else for that matter) for the whole month. You can imagine by the end of it I will be seeing a lot of woolly, hairy men walking around town. Having themed months is pretty cool but what's even cooler is when the girls get in on the action too. Someone on facebook declared it a no shave month for women too and you can bet I'm in on the action. So far my armpit hairs are about a cm long, which isn't extreme but we are only a third of the way through the month. I'm excited to see how hairy my body can become. Personally, I already know that I prefer to be trimmed and tidy but this will be a fun experiment. Who knows maybe I will finally truly embrace the feminist woman inside me. But probably not.

 In other news, I was able to talk to Amy, one of my most favorite teachers. She and I email every now and then and it's great to have a former teacher who is still invested in me and interested in seeing my succeed. I told her in an e-mail that I was not settling into PNCA very well and that I was really interested in OCAC, and alot of the other struggles I was going through. So she called me and helped me talk it through and gave me a few really good suggestions on how to keep my art making practices up w/ no money and the anxiety I've been feeling.

So I'm going to start a series of 60 second art pieces. This is something I can do everyday and have it done quickly and build up a lot of little experiments that can hopefully someday inspire more substantial works of art. And if not, so be it, I'll still be creating an awesome little collection of awesome little arts. Keeping it quick and easy will make it easier for me to get it done as well. Amy also gave me some more advice that I think I tend to forget.

Remember the positive things in each day.
Know that if nothing else things will work themselves out
When anxious pull out the sketchbook, not facebook.
And to keep in touch.

Thanks so much for your love and support, Amy. It means the world to me.

As defined by Wiki

Lately, since I've moved to Portland, I've been experiencing a number unpleasantries. These things are not anything caused by other people it's all me, all in my head. I've been having 2 kinds of headaches. One that is a stabbing pain on the left side of my head and one that is an over all throbbing pressure that blurs my vision and muffles my hearing. I've not been able to really concentrate on any of my homework what-so-ever and therefore causing me to fail my classes. The only thing I can truly find comfort in is hanging out w/ friends or watching something, anything on hulu. I've become very dependent on the internet and my computer and some days all I do is lay on my bed w/ the internet. On these days I even try to fight my bladder cuz I don't want to leave the comfort of my bed for even a second. Obviously there is something very wrong here. 

I will be the first to say that I am not the best student in the world but I do enjoy doing well in my classes and usually have no problem doing so. But this semester I've been procrastinating far worse than ever before, to the point that I am up the night before something major is due and I have to eventually give up cuz I'm no where close to being done. I let myself get distracted easily and even tho I have plenty of time to do things, I find something else to waste that time with. This semester is going to be a waste basically and I've come to accept it. I will still fight to get back on track but I'm not going to be too disappointed if that doesn't happen. 

I feel like I should be under control, I should be able to get things done and truly succeed here in Portland. I'm 21 years old. I'm not a baby anymore and I need to start acting like a true adult. I've been thinking that in order to do this I am going to need to get back on Zoloft... as much as I hate it. I was finally off of them. No side effects, no dizziness but since moving here I've encountered many stressors and I just can't handle them alone. I really hate, HATE! having to depend on pills in order to function but I guess that might be part of growing up. Giving into the Pharmaceutical empire that is America...... Blah... but I still don't want to. 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anxiety

Transformation and Escape

So much to say right now I don't even know where to begin...............

One thing I do know is that I'm transforming this blog into something more than just an art blog. I will still post my art experiments but I feel like I need a digital outlet that is mostly private just because I have no followers.

I just got out of the best shower I've ever had. I was like a good relationship that you know can't go on forever because eventually you have to get something done. But you'd be perfectly happy just staying because you are so content and so comfortable and so warm. My skin is still radiating the heat. What a wonderful escape the shower is. But now I must get ready for work. I must come join the real world again.