Computer Casualty

So this is it! this is what came of the environment prompt and what evolved from that silly sketch that I posted last sunday. I'm pretty happy with it. I find whenever I start a project I always want to make it super personal and tell all my secrets however, I do believe that less is more and so this is what usually happens which is a good thing, I think. Now for a statement...


something about addictivities and computer casualties.... the end.

Art Duel!

So a week ago a friend of mine challenged me to an Art Duel. The deal is to have an assignment due every 2 weeks w/ mock-ups due each week for critique and further thought. I'm really happy to have a friend to encourage and who encourages me. I'm sure we'll be coming up with some really great stuff. Anyway this is what i'm working on. let me know what you think :)

Well here is my concept and a half-assed mock-up of what I am prepared to execute. The theme was environment. I interpreted that as my current surrounding and how I feel about it. Lately I've noticed that good ol' facebook has become the primary environment that I exist in. This was hard for me cuz I never what to admit that I spend an abnormal amount of time on this stupid site to myself let alone anyone else. (As if it isn't obvious to fellow facebookers lol)

Anyway my plan is to keep the facebook format in my piece so that it is obviously recognizable to the viewer but instead of inserting what facebook wants I'm going to put in the things I'm feeling. This could range any where from how I feel about spending so much time on facebook to what's going on in my real tangible life. It might get a little hairy but as you know I'm not afraid of going there. My only dilemma is what medium I want to work with and which will best represent the concept and piece. My natural instinct is to use Indesign/ photoshop and make a poster. It just makes sense and I could really get the layout close. However I haven't used paint in a while and it might be interesting to interpret facebook into a painting. but keep it recognizable. Is it important to have the layout down perfectly? or would it be more interesting as an analog type piece? I don't know! that's a problem I think...

Who knows what...

I post too long of blogs.

I don't know how I feel exactly. I know I'm completely satisfied and I enjoy the control that I now have. Today has been weird. I just don't give a fuck about it anymore. It's a good feeling. Time to start doing things for me because I want. I do what I want. The End.

song that inspired it all: Glory Box by Portishead

Snow College... not the warmest but possibly THE best.

Ok so I can't hold it in any longer. The most extreme fun I've had in a long time occured this weekend and I am still recovering. I knew it was going to be the best thing in the world to spend a few days in E- Town at my favorite college ever. And to think I only was able to a see a few people but that's all I needed. I was able to see the most important people to me and that all I needed. So quick run down of the events.

My sister and her BF Krys took me half way as I am still on the Loratab and don't trust myself to drive and my bestie Julia met us the to take me the rest of the way. I also stayed at her place for the 2 nights I was there. So as Julia and I were driving back to E-town we were non-stop talking and missed our exit which normally would be no problem but this exit is the only exit to get going the right way and if you miss it you are on a one way freeway for the next 110 miles to Denver and we didn't know when the next ranch exit (if any) would be so we had to do the most illegal/dangerous thing ever cuz we only had a quarter tank of gas. So you've probably guessed it. We turned around on one of the median thingies but not only that. As we were driving and looking for one of them we passed one a litte so Julia screeched to a stop and backed up and turned on the median (this kind of manuever is only possible on I 70) we looked both ways and of course there was no one so she slammed the petal to the metal and got going back the right way. It was the most dangerous and exciting thing to happen in my life and it's always fun to share it with a friend.

Once we made it there we hung out with our good friend Nic and then Julia and I spent the rest of the morning ( until 5) whipping me into shape about a specific relationship I've already posted about and it was good to hear her harsh words cuz she was right everytime. And I bawled my eyes out the whole time but I know what needs to happen. (more on all the realizations in a later blog).

After that night I still woke up at 9:30 am and couldn't stand to be in Ephraim another minute with out seeing more of the people I love so I jumped on Julia and woke her up after only 5 hours of sleep. I knew it was a dangerous move but I also know how much she loves me. I was able to meet up with another of my best friends over pizza and had more great conversation surrounded by happily oblivious church goin' people in their sunday best even tho it was Saturday... which tends to happen in small town Utah. 3 hours we spent in the pizza place and we could have easily spent more. I learn so much from this girl and I absolutely love her company. You know who you are!

So the rest of the day was spent seeing a few other people and then spending lots of time at subway waiting for it to die down cuz a friend was hooking us up with a free sandwich. Best tasting subway sandwich ever. And then! the best part. 4 of us 3 girls and one awesome guy crowded into a tiny room and got our crochet on, all hyped up on coffee and cookies and good feelings. It was amazing cuz we again stayed up 'til 5 am having hour long giggle fits for no reason known to us. There was a problem however, I was only one with loratab coursing through my veins along with 3 cups of various caffine-ness and lots of sugar from snicker doodles and soda I had earlier. I was seriously laughing for so long and so hard with only small breaks between fits. I really thought I was going to die laughing that night. And what better way to go?

At one point I was kneeling on the mattress we had the floor and I lost my balance (don't forget I just had brain surgery about 3 weeks ago) and hit my head on my friends shin and stayed there for a minute laughing until I lost my balance again and hit my head on a make up box and rolled the rest of the way down to the floor on top of uncomfortable books and some semi-comfortable clothes. Mind you I was laughing this whole time and I stayed there for a long time laughing and then calming down and then laughing again. It wasn't good for my head but at least I was kneeling and not standing, right? No harm done however. All is well and I'm glad to have experience the longest giggle fit so far in my young life.

Sunday was my last day, I woke up feeling the most hung over I've ever felt, the consequence of a night enjoyed, I knew had to make sure to visit my best mentor, teacher and friend before I left. So waking up with only 5 hours of sleep again was in order. Once at my favorite mentor's house we went up to her office (used a flight of stairs for the first time since the surgery, not easy yet) and lost track of time discussing the past semester in Portland and all the things I learned it was a great conversation and she was more than willing to listen, it could have gone on longer but I was already 45 minutes late leaving to meet my sister again.  So goodbyes for now were said about four times. And home again it was for me.

What an amazing weekend and much needed break from all the heavy stuff I've been dealing with. Sorry no pics I don't know what I was thinking. Also update on my the cancer my cousin is facing: not as bad as the first idiot doctor claimed. She'll still need chemo but it's not terminal and she will be completely fine and be yet another amazingly strong cancer survivor. So all good news this time. I hope you guys enjoy it. I sure did.

Much love to all!

Lately

So I changed my blog URL and title and all that again and for now I think this is a keeper. I figured I should probably change it as I am no longer in Portland and just feel lost when it comes to life in general. Some day I hope to feel more adult and capable and in control but I don't know if that ever really happens for anyone. I changed the URL to Oldfashionedlullaby and the title is Soothes like an Old-Fashioned Lullaby and then the description is the definition of Soothes. There is a pic of tea bags behind the title and such and that relates to the title only. People who have read this blog will know that my blog doesn't really sooth at all at the moment. Well I guess it does for me, just to get this stuff off my shoulders and have a couple of my close friends be able to comment and provide support (which I truly appreciate). So yeah the only thing keeping my sanity right now is copious amounts of Chai Green Tea and plain Chai Tea (thank you Hannah, I love it).

So News on the tumor thing and everything my family is going through right now:

Thankfully my incision is healing extremely well and I'm feeling better physically as the days go by. However currently there has been quite a few assaults on my emotional and mental stability. About a week after surgery my surgeon called and said that we need to consider radiation therapy to prevent  another tumor from growing back. Apparently the tumor I had is a little more persistent than the regular benign tumor. My doc said he'd support any decision we made as the radiation is not required because it will be used as just a preventative measure, basically they have no way of knowing if a tumor will grow back for sure they just want to cover their asses and give me brain damage in the mean time. We were supposed to go up to SLC (whish is a 400 + mile drive for us) and talk to a specialist about the pathology of my tumor and decide if we should just wait and see if one grows back or jump straight into RT (Radiation Therapy). Well a few days before we were supposed to go my mom's car broke down... permanetly and since we had done some research online about RT after complete removal of a Meningioma we had already decided that we weren't going to do the RT. So we canceled. And I though that would be the end of that but yesterday the people from UofU hospital called and had me set up a routine follow up appointment but she also mentioned that the Dr was going to want to talk to me about radiation therapy again... so much for supporting our decision. So that's pretty nerve racking. Several of the websites I visited said that RT after complete removal of a Meningioma is still very controversial. Some of the side effects of radiation are permanent hair loss at the location of the radiation (not so bad), Loss of speech skills (uh no thank you), Loss of organizational skills, memory loss (these I already have a hard time with! why would I make it worse?) Needless to say the cons out way the pros. I would rather have something in my head that they are aiming at and know for sure that I need it than have these people aiming at nothing and destroying the only brain I have for the rest of my life. Honestly I feel insulted but I guess I don't truely know about my own personal case, it might not be as bad and so we will be having a conversation with my surgeon about all of this. Still I am adamant about not doing it. I already have the card of a local homeopathic doctor who says I do not need RT. So fuck you radiology doctor people!


So while that's been going on, I found out a few days ago that that my cousin who I am fairly close to and is only 18 was diagnosed with stage 4 Melanoma. Fuck, I thought brain surgery was scary. I am worried for her but am persistent about staying positive about the whole thing. She is young and lots of people have survived this before. I refuse to look up what stage 4 means cuz it will probably not help this positive mentality. So don't tell me anything negative, we've all got to stay positive.

Ready for a little bit of good news? I know I am.

My dad got a job about a month ago and even tho its extremely labor intensive and tough on his body he is sticking with it. It pays really well and I am proud of him for sticking it out. Also he's all moved out of Nephi now which is an extremely good thing. Nephi is a creepy little town w/ a lot of creepy, racist, ignorant, intolerant people.

Anyway I am holding up ok. So no worries. This weekend I hope to go up to Snow College and visit all my friends still there and that should raise my spirits tremendously. Also if you made it all the way through this post then I thank you very much. Only a true friend would put up with that much text.

Saying No... Easier Said Then Done

I've never really considered myself one who is bad at saying no but tonight I learned that I especially have a hard time saying no to one specific person... who shall remain mostly nameless.... (his first name starts with an E). I don't know what I'm doing. It's 4 in the AM and I'm up typing a blog about how my ex-boyfriend (should be ex- best friend by now but isn't) is sleeping on my couch. WHAT THE FUCK?!

"Do you mind if I sleep on your couch cuz the weather is bad and I'm pretty tired and not feeling well. (even tho we both know I only have a mile at most to drive)?"

Me: "Sure! Do you like fluffy pillows or flat?"

I'm not even kidding... that's exactly how it went. The question here is WHY AM I SO PATHETIC?

No is a very small word, only 2 tiny letters... but it holds so much power. If I start saying no now what might I say no to next? It's a scary thought, I might turn down a movie with him, next spending time, and then saying No to the whole relationship altogether could be the end result and that still scares me to death...

I hate that of all the shit I've been through in my life, ending this relationship is the hardest and still has yet to be done. And he's not going to do it. He's not capable of fully cutting the cord. No, he'd rather leave that little thread attached and watch me squirm, fight and bleed all over him. Dramatic much? Well after five years of being inseparable someone decided to find a new girlfriend a month before someone else took that big step to Portland. Could this new girl have waited a few more weeks. Some might say "yes of course, five years is a long time and therefore deserves a longer adjustment period." But if you ask him " we haven't technically been together for 3 of those 5 years even tho we continued to fuck the same."

I mean, what does he think this is? I think I have a right to be angry. It IS conceivable that someone who has loved someone else since the day she met them would be upset at getting pushed to the side the second a change is happening and there is another girl interesting enough to waste time with. But it's easier (not really) to just go with the flow and leech every minute with him possible because someone still loves this asshole.

I could go on about this forever..... five years worth, at least. In the mean time, the fact is, I'm sitting here with a 10 inch gash a crossed my head crying about him.

So much for saying No.

Brain Surgery = New Hair Cut!

So alot has happened since the last time I posted. 2 weeks ago I went to the doc to get help with my anxiety and told him about the headaches I've been having for over a year. So he sent me to an eye doc to have my eyes dilated to see if my optical nerve was swollen. It was. At that time they thought it might be Pseudotumor Cerebri causing the swelling which means retention of spinal fluid. They thought that maybe it was collecting around my optical nerves and that was what was causing the headaches and spotty vision. So... they ordered an MRI. MRI's aren't bad, I was nervous at first but they make you really comfortable by putting a towel over your eyes and blanket on you and let you listen to music on head phones. It was loud and a little hard to hold still for so long but I just imagined myself as a figure drawing model and it worked out ok. Plus I got to listen to the Beatles and that always makes everything ok.

I had the MRI on a Saturday and then the following Monday my Doc, Robert Dexter called and wanted to go over the results of the MRI with me. I show up to the appointment and he sits me down and proceeds to tell me that I have a brain tumor. I asked him if he was kidding... he wasn't. I cried. He moved closer to me and gave me a tissue and explained where it was and that is was huge (4.5 cm 'bout the size of a golf ball). He had already set me up for an appointment with the Neurosurgen and he said that I may have to have surgery within the next few days. He called my mom and explained what was going on and then I talked to her for a while and she made plans to fly up the next day to be with me in case they did need to operate. I was pretty freaked out. I was ok with having Pseudotumor Cerebri cuz all they would have had to do was give me a spinal tap to drain the fluids and I just kept thinking that at least it wasn't anything to do with my head. :p

So my mom got to spend a couple of days in Portland with me and it was a lot of fun. We went to the neurosurgeon appointment and he estimated that I've had the tumor for at least 5 years. It was no emergency and yes I could go back to Utah for the surgery. We got to see the MRI and it was weird to think that, that was my head we were looking at and that there was a foreign mass squishing my brain. It is all still very surreal.

So for now I am just planning how to have my hair after the surgery...

I like the last one the best but my hair will have to grow out a little bit before it will look like that. It will probably be most like the second pic at first but longer in the mowhawk part. I figure, hey why not. Good excuse to be edgy, right?